


c r a s h

by hoywfiction



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: All chapter titles taken from the song Crash previously mentioned, Depressed Harry, Depressed Niall, Depressed Zayn, Depressed everyone really, I think this is good I dunno, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by the song Crash by You Me At Six, It's a really depressing fic, Listen to the song along with it for full impact, Lots of triggers so please read only if you can handle that, Louis Dies, M/M, Self-Destruction, Suicidal Thoughts, multiple POVs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-07-23 17:43:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7473684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoywfiction/pseuds/hoywfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The lives of Zayn, Liam, Harry and Niall are turned upside down when they learn that Louis has died in a freak car accident. Liam starts writing a journal to Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. keep me on my toes

The world changes faster than anyone looking from the outside in could ever imagine. One moment you're taking your final bow on stage, telling them all thank you and that you'll be back, each and every word genuine despite what critiques say. The next second your bandmate's been in a car crash and his condition is unknown, but they're rushing him to a hospital as fast as they can. And then... now, you find yourself completely lost, and you want to cry at his funeral but you can't even wrap your head around it all. And your brothers—your remaining bandmates, and your ex-bandmate—they're all crying, and you want to help them, but you're just too numb...

Harry cried for the entire service... Fuck, I wish I could take your place just so Harry would never cry like that ever again. But I know that he cries that way every single night, sobbing so hard that he's shaking and gasping for air. Niall, he lost his mind that day. I remember him laughing at the wake, at some dumb joke Gemma made, but suddenly his laughter turned into tears and he sank to the ground... He hasn't been the same since then. He hasn't been Niall. Zayn... blames himself, and I don't know why, and I can't get him out of it. He just drinks and says this is all his fault.

As for me I'm lost, absolutely lost. What were you thinking, Louis? What the hell even happened? The police say you just drove into the intersection. What the fuck were you trying to do? What was going on in your head? Were you trying to kill yourself or something? Harry's been put on fucking suicide watch, Tomlinson, all because of you. Why did you have to... Why did you die on us, Lou? We need you, mate, we're losing it without you. None of us can sleep, and we have to force Niall to eat... I don't even want to discuss how the fans are taking it.

Why the fuck did you die...?


	2. keep me in the know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 3 months since Louis died.

Harry's been locked away somewhere for a few days. We don't know what that means really, it's either a few as in two or three or a few as in nineteen or twenty. He isn't doing okay, at all. Some of the fans have already started to say their goodbyes to him, and I want to be mad at them, but... He looks so sick, Lou. He _looks_ like he's dying, and he acts like he wants to be... How can I tell them that they're wrong, saying that stuff? I wish I could.

Niall's collapsed twice now, been hospitalised both times. They have to force feed him with a tube, but the worst part is that he doesn't do anything about it. He just stares... And when he's out he goes back to how his life was before it happened. He barely talks, not even to his family, or the boys. Actually I'm not sure he's talked at all for a few days now... His mum's worried about him. We all are. Greg's flown to his place to watch him and make sure he doesn't collapse again. He told me Niall hasn't even acknowledged he's there. He arrived two weeks ago.

I can't even find Zayn. I can't fucking _find_ him...

Eleanor phones. She was at your funeral as well... She was crying when I answered. She was sorry that she never got to tell you what an amazing lad you are, and that she's proud of you. She said she feels like she's lost a close friend. Look Lou, I know you never loved her, or even liked her in that way, but she loves you. Loved you. As a friend, sure, but she really did. I wish Modest had signed her to be with you another year instead of bringing in Briana. I guess she's devastated, but I've only heard that from the media.

By the way, your 'baby' was reported as stillborn. The press says it's poetically due to Briana's grief over losing you. That was four days before Harry was admitted... I don't think he can take it. I know he's strong, he always has been, but you were what made him strong enough to survive this life we've gotten into. Without you... Well...

As for the band, we're over. We got released from our contract... I'm so scared, Louis. I don't know what to do now and I'm so fucking scared.


	3. keep me in your skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 4 months since Louis died.

Zayn showed up at my door at three in the morning. He was drunk off his arse and high as a kite, and he didn't say a word, just came in and fell asleep on the sofa. I don't know where he's been for the last month and I sure as hell know he won't tell me in the morning. He just is like that.

Harry got released two days ago. He's still pretty fucked up but at least he's Harry again. He can smile, laugh, joke. He sleeps at least a few hours a night, which is better than the rest of us. He's also singing again, and he's gotten back into baking. He's starting to recover... I'm proud of him. He's staying with his mum for now, I don't know when he's allowed to live alone again.

I wish I could share some happy news about Niall, but I have worse. Greg found blades hidden in his room, sixteen of them he said. Niall cried when he asked about them but he didn't explain anything, so Greg checked him... He's covered in them, Louis. Some are so deep that I don't know how he got them to stop bleeding on their own. Greg got rid of all the razors and he's keeping an eye out for anything more but we're all in shock.

We need you, Louis...


	4. keep me in your chest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 5 1/2 months since Louis died.

I woke up in a hospital a few days ago. I wasn't sure why, until Zayn came in. He told me I'd taken a ton of shit, nearly ended up killing myself. I guess I was drunk, I don't know. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. I just remember crying, and I was so angry at the world... At you. Then, boom, hospital...

I won't lie, Lou, I kind of wish I had died. I'm watching my boys fall apart every day, the fans have been in mourning for about half a year now, your sisters miss you so damn much... Life sucks without you, bro. It really does.


	5. i'll wait for it to start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 7 months since Louis died.

Hi Louis, it's Zayn. Liam's asleep and I found this journal lying around... I didn't know he'd been writing to you all this time. It's sort of heartbreaking now that I do. I just feel like I've been avoiding you this whole time trying to cope but maybe Li had the right idea, maybe I need to talk to you instead.

I never got to say I'm sorry for all my shit. I love you, bro, and I sure as hell hope you didn't die thinking differently. Why did this happen, Louis? Why are you dead right now, man? Sometimes I forget, just assume I'll see you later. But I never forget long enough.

None of us can really go back to normal, not now. I think we've all given up on life... Niall accidentally caught his stove on fire and he just watched the flames get bigger. Greg had to drag him out of the house and call 999. He was just going to stand there and burn with it... I think Harry's starting to do a little better, better than us anyway, but he's hurting still. I think Liam has a death wish, he's become reckless. As for me, I know I have a death wish. We aren't okay, Louis. None of us.


	6. i'll wait for it to end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 7 1/2 months since Louis died.

Niall got rushed to a hospital very early this morning. Poor Greg only closed his eyes for twenty minutes and when he woke up... He went too deep, nearly bled out all over his bathroom floor. He's stable now, and they say he'll be perfectly fine. Physically anyways. He still won't talk to any of us, or a therapist, or his own family. They're going to let him go home, and I'm going to go with him so Greg can return home for a while. He refuses to leave Niall for longer than a week or two and let someone else take over, however. Not even their mum.

Zayn's gone again.


	7. i thought of only you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 9 months since Louis died.

Lottie and Waliyha were by today. I've been pretty ill recently so they were nice enough to bring me soups and tissues and things like that. Waliyha even brought me some of Zayn's jumpers to make me feel better. The Maliks don't know where Zayn's gone either this time.... I'm worried, Lou.

Lottie told me that everyone at home's starting to get back to being okay again. They miss you very dearly, even little Doris and Ernest. Lottie also said she checked in on Anne before they came over... She misses you just as much as they all do.

Oh, Greg called today as well. He said that Niall finally said something. It wasn't anything spectacular, he only said 'thank you', but that's two more words than he's said in months. I know I probably shouldn't get too hopeful but maybe we'll get our Niall back as well as our Harry.

P.S. Haz made some cookies for me to send with Lottie, and damn Louis, your boy can bake.


	8. if only there was proof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 9 1/2 months since Louis died.

Liam was piss drunk when I came home. He tells you about how the three of us are doing when he writes to you but from what I can tell he doesn't talk enough about himself. He's going to shit fast, Louis. He drinks more than me, and I drink a whole lot. He smokes more than you and I ever have at once, weed and cigarettes combined. He stands on the fucking edge of the roof like he's hoping the wind will come and knock him off.

When I vanish he does it all a little less, he sobers up just some. He puts his energy into trying to find me instead of trying to destroy himself. I know he'll read this so excuse me a moment, Lou.

Liam, you're killing yourself and don't think I can't tell. When I disappear you kill yourself just a little slower and that's all I want, for you to live longer because I can't lose you. I love you so fucking much, please don't make me lose you.

That's all I can say right now, I'm sorry.


	9. i could use to show it's true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 11 months since Louis died.

Niall called just a little while ago. Hearing his voice again from something other than a YouTube video feels like a real life miracle, after this long. He didn't have much to say, he just asked how I've been and if I've been keeping up on the other lads. He's going to come stay for a while, which is a relief honestly. As much as Greg insists he stays with him I know he misses his wife and son. And Zayn and I won't have to be kept worrying and wondering every day...

This house that used to stay more empty than not has become home for me, and for Zayn too I guess. He just doesn't really leave, and I don't want him to. He uses the guest room to put all his things away but usually we just fall asleep in the same bed from staying up late talking. He thinks he might go back to music one day. I hope he does.

Speaking of home, Harry's gone back home. Actually, he's bought back his home. The flat you two used to share is his again. It's admirable, really, for him to stay there. He smiles at every wall with your picture on it, every room like you're still living in it. I don't know how he does it, but it gives me hope. If Harry can carry on so can we, right?


	10. we were young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 11 months and 1 week since Louis died.

Happy birthday Louis. -Niall


	11. we were in our teens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year since Louis died.

It's been one whole year since you died now, Louis. The fans haven't forgotten at all, in fact they've decided to start a worldwide day in honour of you. And so... The whole world misses you, and everyone can see it.

I miss you. The lads miss you.

One year, Louis... Fuck.


	12. it wasn't real love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 2 months since Louis died.

Liam, Zayn and Niall are all at our place for a visit. Liam handed me this, told me it was a place for all of us to talk to you, and so here I am. I don't know what to talk about though, I feel like you already know it all.

I miss you, to start off with. I miss you so much it hurts, it makes me feel weak at times. Some days all I can do is lie in bed and cry and say your name, but some other days I almost feel happy again. I feel like it will be okay sometime in the future. I know that even when you aren't here you're still watching over me, and I know that you still love me. I love you so damn much Louis, and I hope you will never forget that.

I know I'll see you again someday, but I won't rush it. I know that isn't what you'd want. The other boys though... I get so terrified that they won't wait, and that I'll wake up without one of them. You should see Liam now, Lou. He's always sick, and he's so pale and thin. If I didn't know it was him I wouldn't even recognise him at all. At least Niall talks sometimes now, it makes things a little easier. Zayn... Well, it's always been hard to tell with him.

I miss you, Louis. Always in my heart.


	13. spent behind bars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 4 1/2 months since Louis died.

Liam died today.


	14. oh it's sad to think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 5 months since Louis died.

We all talked about printing out your picture and saving you a seat at all our events. Even our sisters agreed they would. Fuck, Mike agreed he would. But when we talked about it we thought about weddings, music ceremonies, sports competitions, birthdays. We weren't thinking about funerals.

Zayn meant to write about this on the day the funeral happened but he was crying so hard that I don't think he could have even if he tried. We were all starting to recover and now we're all broken again... I forced Zayn to stay at our place with me, there's no way I could let him go back to Liam's house to face the solitude. Niall's staying with his parents.

Our fans, Louis... God, they're incredible. They're still here, and every day they start a new trend for us. They keep telling us to stay strong, even if they're about as over yours and now Liam's death as much as we are. It makes us feel a little less alone in the world at least.

Liam... I can't believe it, Louis, I really can't. He's gone. Less than three months ago we were laughing and joking, talking about old times... And then he steps into traffic. A semi-truck went right over him... It was a closed casket at the funeral. Zayn cried so hard he couldn't even stand on his own...

I can't believe I've lost both of you.


	15. we just let it be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 5 1/2 months since Louis died.

I think... I know what it felt like for Harry when you died. It hurt me of course, and it's a pain that I'll never stop feeling, but when I got that call about Liam... Louis, I stopped breathing. I just stood there staring at the phone like it weren't real, trying to convince myself that I was only dreaming. Liam would wake me up any moment, I told myself, and he'd ask me if I were alright. And I hurt so, so much right now. All I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up but I know he wouldn't want me to lose my spark this young...

I fell in love, Louis. I fell in love and now I'm being punished for it. I need him back, I fucking need him...

Fuck.


	16. prisoners of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 7 months since Louis died.

It took the police this long to figure out you didn't commit suicide. Some pap came forth with a confession, saying he messed with the breaks in hopes of getting a good story: Louis Tomlinson Caught Drag Racing. He swears he didn't mean to loosen them completely, and your death has been gnawing at him this whole time. Well, that makes two of us.

I guess it makes me feel a little better knowing you weren't hiding things from us, from me, and it wasn't intentional on your end. Well no, I don't feel 'better', but I feel a little more at ease. The closure is there now... Maybe I'd feel almost okay if Liam were still here. It seems like Zayn just gets worse every day, and Niall's back to where he was when you died.

I miss both of you so much. I hope there are water guns for you to fight each other with in Heaven.

And don't worry about us. We'll be alright eventually.


	17. it's so easy for it to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 8 months since Louis died.

I miss you and Liam more and more every day. But Harry keeps saying we'll all be okay, and Niall and I believe it. We know we still have you with us in a way, and we can't just be sad forever.

I'll paint again. Niall will laugh and dance again. Harry will sing and bake and make bad jokes again (even if we wish he wouldn't). And, one day, we'll see you again. But that part will have to wait.


	18. something second guessed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 8 1/2 months since Louis died.

Your mum called me a few days ago and asked if I'd attend a family reunion yesterday as your date. It broke my heart to sit there beside the empty chair reserved for you, but at the same time, it was so nice to see your sisters (and Ernst). We talked, laughed, even told embarrassing stories about you. You never told me you used to sing to your hair dryer, Lou.

All in all I had a lovely time. For just a little while, it felt like you really were there next to me.


	19. easy to read

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 9 months since Louis died.

The lads and I have for some reason decided to torture ourselves by watching the Video Diaries. I made popcorn that I don't actually plan on eating, but walking in with it made Niall laugh. He hasn't laughed in almost two years, Louis. I actually cried, and I hugged him, and I said I loved him so much. He's coming back to us, Lou. I think he's starting to realise that you and Liam wouldn't want him to be so absent... or he's scared of losing me or Zayn, just like I'm scared of losing them.

We were so young, Louis. You were wild, let me tell you that. Absolutely, completely wild. How the hell did I fall in love with that loud, obnoxious, cocky lad? Or more surprisingly, how did that lad fall in love with baby-cheeked, slow-talking, awkward me? How did that happen? Who knows... All I know is that it was there from the start, and I wouldn't trade it for a thing. You can see it in our eyes and all over our faces. We really have been in love since we were kids.

Watching these now, you can really see Zayn falling in love with Liam, too. I'm not sure he even knew, either of them really. Those two are drawn together like magnets...

Zayn tells me to write that he's sorry that he never came when you had that dream about us getting a crazy sixth band member. He says if he could turn back the clock he'd rescue you for sure.

I wish we _could_ go back, Louis.


	20. don't let it become a meaningless routine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 9 1/2 months since Louis died.

It's taken me a long time to feel ready to talk to you, and I'm sorry for that. I really am, but I know you understand. Despite what happened five months ago with Liam I'm feeling okay for the first time since you died. Sort of. I'm not really feeling anything at all anymore, but that's an improvement over how it's been. I've been drowning in my own thoughts, and it hurts so much that I feel like I have to fight to breathe. That's what it felt like losing you and Liam, like suffocating.

Harry, Zayn and I can live our own lives, but we're thinking of you two every single second that we're awake. We can't forget about you, not even for only a little moment. I know that's never going to change... I just have to start preparing to live with it. I wish so much that you were here... Just one last hug, a goodbye, anything. Something. We got a goodbye from Liam, even though we didn't realise it was a goodbye, and I'm not saying it makes his death hurt any less but it makes it easier to accept. For you it still hasn't even sank in, I still can't wrap my head around it.

I will never see you or Liam smile again. I'll never see either of you on stage beside me. I'll never hear you laugh or say my name, I'll never get to hear you sing. I'll never get to hug you again. I'll never get to tell you both how much I love you...

But you know. I know that you do. I know it just as much as I know we'll be okay eventually, and it'll just take a little more time. I don't know if I'll have the strength to talk to you again any time soon so I just want to say, to you and Liam... Thank you for being part of my life while it lasted.


	21. it's meaningless to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 10 1/2 months since Louis died.

Today it's been half a year since Liam died. Zayn isn't handling it very well... A whole bottle of vodka and at least a handful of weed, on top of half a pack of cigarettes. I guess it's not much better than how I was on your six month mark. I wish I could help him but I know there's nothing that could make him feel any better. I just have to let him do this for today.

Then there's Niall... He's changed, it's remarkable. He's on the phone with Karen right now, trying to comfort her. I was talking to Andy earlier this morning as well. He's doing just about as well as you'd expect him to be. As for the fans... I don't know if they'll ever stop mourning. We've been out of the band for almost two years but they haven't left us. Besides, it isn't only you and Liam they're mourning for. It's also for the girls who died after each of you. I'm mourning for them too...

You meant so much to so many people. You both meant—mean—so much to me and the boys.

And you, Louis... You meant everything.


	22. just crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year 11 months since Louis died.

Zayn and Niall did the most incredible thing today. I was out until night with Gemma and Lottie in London, just spending time with them, and when I came back they'd painted an entire wall. (Honestly, it was mostly Zayn.) They'd made designs for all five of us made up of our favourite things, lining the hallway. Yours had a football, some quotes from Grease, a cup of tea, a few other things. Liam's had superheroes, a microphone, and Zayn's handprint... He had me put my handprint on yours too.

I almost wanted to be mad at them for painting the walls without asking but I love it too much to complain. It's a good reminder that gone doesn't have to mean gone. After all... Always in my heart, right?


	23. fall down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 1 year and 11 1/2 months since Louis died.

Louis... I think we're finally getting our lives together again.


	24. i'll wrap my arms around you now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been 5 months since the boys found their fresh start.

Harry laughed, a deep and gentle sound coming from deep in his chest, as he let his heavy eyes fall closed against the morning light filtering softly through the blinds. He smiled at the hand stroking over his curly brown hair, feeling the rise and fall of the body beneath his temple, listening to the heartbeat.

"I'm serious. I think it went well," said Louis, his familiar voice like a comforting blanket.

"I fell on stage in front of hundreds of people," Harry retorted, wrapping his arm tighter around his boyfriend's waist as he snuggled against him.

"Yeah," the older lad said, the hand that was on Harry's hair now tracing down his back in small, soothing circles. "But the fans love you. So it's fine."

Harry let out something similar to a groan, a tired and lazy one, feeling his mind start to get foggy as he began drifting off to sleep. "It was embarrassing."

He didn't open his eyes, but he felt Louis gently press his lips to the top of his head. "I love you."

Harry grinned ever so slightly, and Louis' hold on him became firmer, more secure and protective. The younger boy could feel the love in the tips of his fingers, the adoration in his palm, where his hand rested against his lower back.

Harry slowly blinked open his eyes to look up at the cerulean eyes he'd so often found himself drowning in, but as soon as his vision focused he realised that it was dark. A faint moonlight came in through the windows, and his arm was wrapped over the pillow lying beside him.

For a moment he remained there in silence, letting the stillness surround him. Then he let out a content sigh, hugging the pillow closer and lying his head on it as he used to on Louis' body. When his eyes fell closed again he felt the ghost pressure of his boyfriend's hand on his back, and he swore he could hear the rhythm of his heartbeat. Gone didn't have to mean gone, he reminded himself, a warm feeling spreading through his chest.

"I love you too," he said in just over a whisper. It was nearly drown out by the distinct sounds of Niall raiding the kitchen from just down the hall, and not for the last time, Harry smiled.


End file.
